The Difference Between Trauma & Conditioning
Lately, I've been reflecting on the difference between trauma and conditioning.
Trauma has become a buzzword—my kids throw it around when they don’t like something I say.
It’s a bit like when "gaslighting" became the phrase of the year, and my daughter would jokingly say, "You’re gaslighting me!"—even when she was just teasing.
Ah, the joys of parenting teenagers.
But beneath the jokes, trauma is very real.
We tend to think of it as a significant event that happens to us—something so overwhelming we can’t fully process it in the moment.
In those situations, we may dissociate or disconnect to survive.
Trauma, whether it’s physical, emotional, mental, or sexual, often feels unexpected and harsh. It leaves deep marks on us, and as we’re learning, those marks can even be passed down through generations.
We don’t just carry our own trauma; we carry the trauma of our ancestors, adding to the knots we accumulate over time.
Conditioning: The Subtle Stretch of the Red Thread
But not all knots come from trauma.
There’s another layer to the way we get tangled, and that’s conditioning.
Yet, instead of thinking of conditioning as knots, I’ve come to see it differently.
Conditioning, for me, feels more like when our red thread stretches too thin.
Conditioning happens when we learn to adapt to our environment in ways that help us feel loved and accepted.
It’s subtle but powerful.
It starts early, in those small moments when we pick up signals about what will earn us approval.
For example, a baby might learn to stop crying if their cries are never answered because they've figured out it doesn’t bring them the love or attention they need.
Or a child might notice that keeping the peace is the way to survive in an emotionally charged household, and they adopt a quiet, people-pleasing role to avoid conflict.
Living a Stretched-Too-Thin Life
These learned behaviors form the masks we wear.
They shape the roles we take on and how we show up in the world.
Over time, though, the red thread of our heart—the path we’re meant to follow—gets stretched thinner and thinner as we continue to act from these conditioned roles, masking who we truly are.
We may even be living a life that looks good on the surface, one that we’ve been told is the “right” way to live, but something still feels off.
There’s a nagging sense that there’s something more—an inner feeling that says, *“Is this it?”*
That’s when we know our red thread has stretched too thin.
We’ve been following someone else’s script, living according to someone else’s version of success, and we no longer recognize ourselves.
This isn’t always dramatic or obvious.
Sometimes, it’s as subtle as a longing for deeper fulfillment or wondering why, even when everything seems “right,” we still feel disconnected.
The thread has stretched so far that we lose sight of our authentic self—the person we were before we learned how to fit in and please others.
Returning to the Heart
The good news is that this stretching isn’t permanent.
We can reconnect to our red thread, return to the essence of who we are, and begin living from a place of authenticity again.
But first, we have to acknowledge the difference between trauma and conditioning.
The trauma knots need healing, and the stretched thread of conditioning needs to be drawn back in, closer to the heart.
When people feel stuck, blocked, or simply not as happy as they thought they’d be, it’s often a sign that their red thread has been stretched too thin.
They come to this work because they sense there’s something more to discover, something more fulfilling to connect with.
It’s not just about fixing what’s broken or untangling the knots of trauma—it’s about reclaiming the parts of ourselves that we’ve lost by living inauthentically for too long.
It’s about finding joy and peace in ways that align with our heart’s true desires.
Healing the Stretched Thread
Untangling trauma is essential, but so is recognizing when the thread has stretched so far that we’ve forgotten who we are.
And as we begin to bring the thread back, we rediscover a life that feels whole, a life that feels like *us* again.
Have You Felt the Stretch?
If you’ve ever felt that pull—that sense that something is missing even when life seems “right”—you might be experiencing the stretch of your own red thread.
What would it look like to reconnect to your heart, to live more authentically?
Let’s explore this together and see where it leads.
